I wish I could say I am an uncomplicated person - I obviously am not. You know what my problem is? I am very good at hiding them, so good amount of people end up thinking my life is all roses and rainbows. Sometimes I think more I ignore myself, more I'll remain at peace and sometimes I feel like a coward running away from my own thoughts. I've been told my laughter is irritatingly child-like but contagious - but it seems to me only others think it genuine, I myself always feel like I am faking it.
One of my friend thinks that I overthink, about every little detail - even things that most people don't even pay attention to. Is it that or my head is just too impatient that it needs to obsess over every thing just to keep it occupied? I will never crib about the people I know (okay maybe about a few people I will) because I've been very fortunate with my friends and family, But always something is missing. (Mind you I really mean someTHING, not someONE). So many people I call and consider friends but I feel like a lonely soul on journey to different planet, where I don't belong.
Fear is funny thing. Sometimes you don't really know what you are afraid of, sometimes its just the idea of "fear" that you are afraid of. Fear almost always relates to future events, such as worsening of a situation, or continuation of a situation that is unacceptable.At some point this fear reeks into your subconscious so deep that it becomes part of you, and it freaks you out because you don't know what its about nor you know why it all started.
I have one of these. Since probably over 8-9 years now. Its inside me, it don't know what triggers it or what causes it. I have nightmares, those recurring ones, which don't leave you alone. The kinds you think is gone but again makes a dramatic comeback. I have never been afraid of dark or heights but this "abstract" nightmare of mine combines both of them AND it freaks me out. There have been nights I've woken up so afraid that I am afraid to close my eyes again.
Let me describe it. So it always starts with me looking over a deep well in a dark moonless-starless night. Then I fall. In a deep abyss which never seem to end. I can feel the walls with my hands on both sides of me but there seems to be no bottom to that dark well. I keep trying to clutch or reach for something to make it stop but I continue falling. In all these years, I don't recall ever seeing the end of this dream. Its always me falling to a bottomless end.
I have tried looking at many places trying to figure out what it stands for but I don't really relate to the answers that I get. Like one of them says something about how it means that 'you should be cautious or tense expected survival is possible or damage to your dignity.' That doesn't seem to make sense if you have same dream/nightmare for years together.
Another one I got is - 'well symbolizes the cause or source. Since you don't hit bottom, look to see how you have been trying to figure out how something happened or how to cause something to take place but have not figured it out yet. You may not yet know that thought is cause and what happens in the physical existence is the manifestation of that thought.' This sounds promising but I don't know if I really do put so much thought behind anything, and then if this was the cause why would I be afraid of it?
This might need a group effort in order to figure it out. anyone any ideas?
Yes I am writing this on a Saturday night instead of getting wasted like a normal 22 year old, that is not because I don't have a life but because I refuse to follow the society; Fridays are my Saturdays. Anyways, back to topic. I am not even going to deny when you say I am a-bit childish, okay very childish, but I consider that as a part of my charm. (I might be a tad bit delusional too). As its evident from quite a few of my posts, I love making lists - so for your entertainment here goes another one!
Two word things - Bubble Wrap - Ice Cream - Snow Fall - Teddy Bears - Frozen Yogurt - Free Food - Roller Costers - Mega Sale - Lame Jokes - yea you get the point.
When someone calls me for food (it means I don't have to cook!)
When Moni calls me to tell me, "you lucky B****, you went off and left me here, now patao parents for me"
When someone complements unexpectedly making me turn pink in the cheeks
Jokes that only I understand
Mom calling me Betu
Dad trying (hard) to crack a joke
Bitching about people I don't like
Waking at 2 in the afternoon and realizing I don't have classes so I can stop panicking.
Finding money you didn’t even know you lost
Eating cake first thing in the morning
Good hair day
Listening to romantic songs when it is raining
Finding marshmallows in random food item
Nutella on anything
When one of my niece calls me their favorite aunt
When someone defends me even when my argument is completely pointless and maybe even wrong.
Looking through old pictures and laughing uncontrollably
Taking one awesome picture after a series of crappy ones
Moments in life when it is acceptable to laugh like an evil villain
Radio playing the song that you were thinking of at exactly the same time
Hugs whether I need it or not.
Sense of accomplishment when I figure out something (I am usually painfully slow at figuring out)
Someone trying really hard to convince me
Singing on top of my lungs and dancing to it when no one is around (note: Nilay & Namita, I want to do wii dance it again, soon!)
I think I can write more, but I shall refrain from boring you guys!
There Nipa, I am making this public.. I think Valentine's day is the most pointless holiday ever! It is over hyped and overdone like a bad cliche, and everywhere you turn there are hearts and balloons (the pink hearts really make me cringe)
I won't even deny I am a hopeless romantic and maybe till I was 15-16 I really thought very highly of Valentines day. What was supposed to be - show your love to people you love, its now become a gift giving extravaganza! Its not like I am bitter, trust me I am not! (chocolates and pastries varieties suddenly increase so I am happy). I just happen to think there is no need for a special day to celebrate love, every day is valentines day. In fact if you need a day to "remind" people that you love them, then there is probably something wrong there.
For me, people who are special to me, know they are special (they like it or not). As per my ritual since years, I will still buy myself some chocolates, Although I really wouldn't mind a nice dinner (take a hint, you know I am talking to you) :P
I am in my early twenties which is the perfect age to be young and stupid (not that i wasn't before, but apparently it is more justified when you are in your 20s). I already have quite a collection of stories to tell my grandkids proving that I was by no means a boring young girl and I intend to have a lot more. The point of this post is not really those stories, which I might not reveal to anyone till I have grandkids :P, the real point is, its okay to make stupid spontaneous decisions.
I have made decisions which were not exactly smart, most of them resulted in funny/weird stories, but they were MY decisions rational or not. yes there are instances where I should have taken the other way out but you learn to stand tall only when you fall down enough. If I were really all miss-goody-two-shoes, maybe by now I would have been frustrated being all nice and turned into a psychotic bitch.
In retrospect i don't really want to change any thing, maybe then I wouldn't have turned out the way I have. ( I have been told I am awesome, I shall assume that is true). I think I still have a good 5 years to be all young and stupid, as long as I don't murder someone or get involved in a bank robbery I think I am fine. Even with all my stupid and rash decisions I think I've turned out quite okay. Good job mom! :)
What a roller coster ride this year was! started with a funny new year party at Krupa's house and ended with a financial discussion 8000 miles away.
First half was bitter sweet, although was really excited about starting a new journey, was really sad that i had to leave behind family, friends and all that was taken for granted (read domestic work and mummy-daddy protection plan). most of it was the Coorg trip then the 2 mini-Lonavala trips, the hugely expensive Hard Rock Cafe stints and Man-U cafe night. the college farewell, where i had tears in my eyes and Hersh trying to cheer me up because he didn't want to get beaten up :P , the black book(s) and my obsessive need to make sure the formatting was perfect, the project presentation where the results were rigged up, lord of the rings trilogy at kela's place, out of the blue's wrong cheese fondue and perfect mushrooms, overnights and mindikot tournaments, last few weeks of meeting everyone at any given chance, friendship day's night when people tried to kidnap me while i sneaked out of my house in pajamas! (and i had actually delayed getting my plane tickets for a birthday party)
saying goodbyes is never easy is it? then came the amreekan part! within a week most of us were leaving, probably not going see other for a long time, people we were habituated to see every day, some of them even during vacations. came here, first place i visit before even reaching my house? kohl's and bath and body shop :P . I actually traveled to 6 states in the first 3 days in USA, i had no apartments to look for no paperwork to be done, no real need for a job like most normal people do. made quite some new friends, house parties and overnights and yes trains! (i am telling you i have some deep connections with trains, even the apartment i live in has a train line next to it!)
new places, new people, new lifestyle. i went from being an absolute princess to doing some work around the house! made some decisions about my life and then went ahead and nullified them..you never know what life throws at you. went from living with family to living on my own. And no i still can't cook!
all in all not really a bad year, but wouldn't really rate it to be the best. the best is yet to come! lets hope 2011 brings more good times than bad, more laughter, more memories and less of life altering decisions (would really prefer it to be drama-less!)
I haven't been writing because I am really just running around..for those of you who don't know, i relocated from my wonderful chunnu to a new place which is in a new town in a new country on another continent. Was talking to a friend, he writes a blog too, that reminded oh well didn't I have one too? So I ended up reading my own blog (I was supposed to be studying), remembered all the situations and the state of mind I have written the previous ones. I can recall each and every feeling I felt while writing them, guess that does make me an open book!
This blog was my escape, and I hope to keep it that way, at least try to. Whenever I have been low or sad or happy or excited I have let it out on this in my own weird ways. I've been blogging since I was 18! long time huh..
I guess what I am trying to say this baby is back in business! I am going to try to post at least once every month, i need to keep a chronicle of my life so I can someday come back to it and be amazed how much my life and people in it have changed!
i am so out of my element its crazy! i think of writing but i simply cant. nothing gets to me. so while i am really bored i just thought I'd write something. so we went to Lonavala a few weeks ago, you know just kinda a day trip. Friday morning we decided on it and on Saturday off we went! poor Darshan, he planned the whole thing, injured his leg on Friday, and couldn't come. it was hanging out kinds. oh but the fun we had! also i gave my LONG pending birthday treat there.
this week it was treat time for rest of the people, namely - Krupa, Hersh, Darshan and Satya. pending since November! after so much wait it rather be good so, we went to hard rock cafe. madness unfolded. (cousins, i am no DHEELI) by the time those waiters got on the platform to do their YMCA dance i was so much in the dancy-mood that i wanted to join them! which i couldn't so i danced near our table! yaay to me!
so as of now i don't have anything else to add. let me me get back from Coorg (going on 3rd march) maybe then I'll have more to share.
niyali..
P.S: by the way i came across this charity "30 dollar finance" via a friend, you guys should check it out. only kicker is they don't have a credit card facility yet, still you can contribute via checks or paypal. (www.30df.org)
dedication: this one is for someone who told me,*quote* for gods sake please at least write nonsense instead of just staring at space if you have no work! *unquote*
in the past few days, apart from giving various advices i have been on the receiving end of quite a few. since a few hours i have been going back in time and analysing a lot of things, which for some reason had taken for granted. (i know this is sounding a bit gibberish, but you we all have our gibberish moments)
so one of my friends has been having a tough time with a best friend. fights, misunderstandings and such. person that i am, i sit and give advices - do this, do that. that's when i realise, i should take my own advices sometimes. at least 2 of my friends WILL agree that i give really good advices, i wonder why i don't follow them myself!
i have my demons. A LOT OF THEM. why do i try figuring them alone when i am clearly not much of a keeping-my-problems-to-myself kind of a person? (it usually ends with me losing my head or me ending up crying, either of them not good for me or anyone around me!) i think i tend to over analyse the situation, which gets me into deeper shit and wrong or misinterpreted ideas. (sometimes i am right ok!)
one theory is i am too damn stubborn. i resist change even if sometimes change is required and is for good. so i am left behind in an make believe idealist world where everything goes my way. ok maybe half of it can be true, but i definitely don't live in a make believe world.
the other theory is, i don't trust anyone at all. one person, maybe two. that's all the people i trust. that's why when i get upset, there might be no one to pacify me or make me think rational thoughts. and Nirali : upset? SCARY. i guess i should make more friends.
anyways done with grumbling..if anyone is interested in more disjointed ideas please feel free to chat or call me up. oh if by any chance anyone has another theory or can deduct why i have my whys, do let me know.
oh man haven't written a blog post since like months. what's with me?! so anyways. these months had been progressively ranging from routine-madness-super madness-dead.
October and November mostly went in the last few weeks of my internship. what fun it was. it was just endless timepass. i don't think I'd read more books in shorter time span! before you guys point a huge fat finger on me, let me tell you, i worked as well. so much so that my superiors used to think i am a very technically sound person. ha take that! on the last day all of us 7 trainees, Sneha (one of the employees of my dept), Linette (purchase dept) and Abhilash sir (my superior) went for a nice lunch at "US Pizzas" and then spent rest of the day taking pictures! we just shut down the dept and had fun!
the very next day i set out for Ahmadabad (i know where else!) wedding no.1 of the season. so my cousin, Kunal was getting married. new dresses and madam Nipa. we both had maximum fun. late nights, her parlour visits and mad dialogues. nights sitting, also a night at the banglow. Dhaval ragging. hes never going to hear the end of that!
November end - December was just a blur of applications, wedding no.2 and related functions. getting all dressed up, smiling endlessly, inside jokes with the cousins. then came my birthday. yes my 21st birthday. nothing out of the ordinary, (what can i say, i am not much of a party person), just i have the most amazing friends. EVER. so they gifted me a goddamn guitar. whoppiiee!! i am trying to learn it. seriously. by myself!
after my birthday week, it was mostly Nipa-times. going out, shopping, hanging out etc. and then she left..='(
2009 was almost over, when suddenly my friend Krupa invites us to have a new years party at her house. very generous, given our awesome gang of weirdos! oh that was one hell of a party. fun times..*reminiscing* (for pictures refer fbook)
new year started with a bang and a minor hangover. =D
hmmm..what do i say about January. it was/is the most weird month in the collection of months i have mentioned. it started with fun, somewhere in the middle major boredom and again random outings, movies and fun. some where in all that i had a placement interview and managed a job at Infosys. oh then, COLLEGE! you guys cannot believe how much i have missed my college. those corridors where we sit like we own it, the benches where i sleep using my bag as a pillow, those professors who are butt of many jokes and canteen dahi puri.
lets see how 2010 shapes up. all those people who have a question about my tattoo plans, its going to be done..probably in February - March..at least not later than that!
so i read this blog by nice lady dizzy called "random bits of sparkle" : http://onedizzyvizzy.blogspot.com i read this post by her and was inspired (I've been less and less inspired these days which explains the state of my blog or lack thereof) any how the post was called "big mistake" and it goes something like this:
We all make them. Then we realize what they are and move on. Only to re-visit them a bit later. We remember why it fell into the mistake category in the first place.
Yeah…it was a mistake…I knew that going in… I’m gonna clap my hands, show my palms and go... And then go back...
the words are so simple and yet makes us go through complex thought patterns. the whats, whys and hows. all mistakes, at some point, you see them coming yet usually end up hoping for the best. shut your eyes to believe things what you want; even though deep in your heart you might just realise you are just fooling your self if not anyone else. i will not deny so many of mistakes were a cause of my deliberate feigning of ignorance. i know everything is not rose gardens and rainbows. but what do i say, i am an idealist and an hopeless optimist, this is how i roll! =)
i haven't updated since long! reason one: little while i was too busy enjoying my vacations watching movies (record of 8 movies within 3 weeks!) reason two: just when i was finished with that, my internship started, and somehow i get tired doing no work so i come home sleep, really!
so i am interning at Asian Heart Institute, BKC. i am not half a doctor like my mom likes to say, i am just part of the technical team. that's a good word for mechanics. when machines malfunctions, who do u call? biomedical! sometimes problems are as dumb as they forgot to put on the power, and they tell us machine is not working! go figure. who made them doctors?
i have half day shifts 6 days a week. about 5 hrs a day. AND GUESS who i have for company!!?? Darshan, Aditya and Shivani, so rest assure its a hell of a party there! so we basically attend small fixing calls, routine check ups (of the machines), and do time pass when all machines surprisingly work, which happens very rarely. our senior engineers are pretty cool! so that is a positive experience right. by the way the guy who handles us most of the time, is just 2 yrs older to us.
so thats basically all about my internship. ok also, they don't pay us. by the way if anyone of you needs to go to Asian heart anytime, DO NOT under any circumstances, eat at Asian Heart. rather go to the US pizza outlet just outside. =)
ok i might not be an activist or something but i can tell you i am happy that India is opening its eyes to being a democracy it truly is. on July 2, 2009, Delhi high court gave a verdict in favour of decriminalising of gay and lesbian relationships. i took it for granted that every educated person would welcome this verdict, boy i was wrong.
we are one of the only progressive countries in the world that criminalised gay relationships, when it is hardly any secret that gay-ism is not alien to our culture, for eg: kamasutra or even the temple at khajurao which came long before we were even introduced to western cultures. it has to be understood that we are not gods to decide and impose someone their sexuality. it is not evil to be different. we call ourselves an handicraft of gods, so are gays, they do not fall off from the skies. it is someones personal choice and it is not a matter of family or culture or religion. it is every persons right to decide their own paths of happiness.
i am not trying to justify my thoughts or ideas to anyone because i respect the fact that everyone has a right to have thier own ideas. it is just that i hope everyone does open thier minds.
this is in fond memory of my grandmother, simply known as 'Ba', who passed away to a better place yesterday.
we take so much for granted, people around us mostly. but one day they just leave, leaving nothing but memories and words that echo in your head. although when it just happens, you are numb, confused because so many things happen at one time. within a few hours it hits you, they are gone. forever. they get transferred from being a constant presence to a photograph.
i was probably the first person to realise that she was gone, because i checked her pulse while waiting for the doctor. it was absent. worst part is i didn't even get to talk to her. then suddenly everything started coming back to my head. all the times we didn't get along, all the times i told her you don't understand, all the bad things I've done and said, intentionally or unintentionally due to my arrogance and ignorance over the last 12 years we've lived together. times i wished i could tell her i was sorry for and tell her i love her. i remembered her funny moods when she'd giggle like a 10 year old, i remembered when i was little how she used to feed me oranges, peeling the soft skin delicately and feeding only the pulp to me. i remembered how stubborn she could get, the trait i inherited. her anger. her soft hearted-ness. everything.
but i had to keep all that out of my head because i knew i had to take care of my mom who wouldn't stop crying and my sister who was the closest to her. holding back those tears were the toughest thing I've ever done. my room seemed empty. all her medicines still there but not her. i had promised her that we'll take her to "Chuda" this Diwali. but that Diwali never came. she was gone. i had never seen my father cry, but i did when they took her. and now shes gone, into the dust where we all come from. only thing i am happy is that she went peacefully, with a smile on her face.
to everyone else you may be dead, but to me you continue to live on, in my heart. i hope you are happy wherever you are Ba. thank you for all the times. we love you.
if anyone missed my 09 resolutions can be found on "http://randomstoriesofmylife.blogspot.com/2009/01/resolutions-2009.html"
so because I'll be writing exams in June (which starts on May 19 by the way) i decided to give a report on how i am doing on my resolutions a month in advance.
ummm...lets see..
the voting card yes. stupid stupid government! i got registered in Jan but apparently last minute registrations do not show up on election rolls, i missed voting! goddamn it.
about looking like hippo, lets just say I've lost too much weight in somewhat freakish way, so much so my mom thinks i have an eating disorder. in any case, i don't need exercising!
my hair is growing longer by the day and i am kind of planning to get some blue thingies on it. don't let it out ok, its kinda secret as yet.
oh yes, ice cream intake has reduced drastically yet while mom dad were vacationing last month (20th April -1st May ) i had almost 2 litre of vanilla ice cream in under 4 days.
tattoo and piercing still in the process of saving money! =p
lastly sleep troubles. erratic! some days i cant sleep AT ALL and some days i don't wake up! like on sat i finally could sleep at 5.30 in the morning but then got up at 8! while someday in the last week i slept almost a whopping 16 hrs in the same day.
so lets just say i am working hard on trying to get all the resolutions i set for myself. and by the way, i am going to see wolverine even if i have to go for it in the middle of my exam.
i want to do a kind of verbal diarrhea here but words seem to have abandoned me. weird concoction of imagination of what had been and what can be. there is no black and white. there is just grey. there is no good or bad. there is always a decision. we are all complex people, someone when in public but someone totally different while we are alone. we all have two personalities. we all lie, to friends, to people we love, to family, to ourselves.
80's was a weird decade as far as music is concerened...cheesy pop and hard rock! 88 no different...so i found some songs from my birth year that i actually listen and like... in no particular order:
Sweet Child O' Mine - Guns N' Roses
She's Like The Wind - Patric Swayze
The Loco-Motion - Kylie Minogue (i loveeeeeee this one!)
Candle In The Wind - Elton John
Baby Can I Hold You - Tracey Chapman
I Should Be So Lucky - Kylie Minogue
Nothing's gonna change my love for youGlenn Medeiros
25 random things about me, wanted to make this list since a long time..finally made it!!
1.I’ve never had pet names that stuck for more than a few years! Few that I had for some time were beni (mom), faudi (school friends), niru (jinal), titatu, niyali (kids of my cousins).
2.I love doing crafts though I haven’t done in a long time. Last I did a bit of craft was for a birthday card year ago.
3.I HATE pulses! Really! Only while eating pulses my face contorts to its maximum level.
4.I have an immense fascination of vampires and dragonflies. To the point of obsession at times.
5.I’ve never slapped anyone in my life!
6.I don’t put on makeup until forced to. Also hate to wear jewellery. Guess that makes me a weird girl. Also I hate pink colour.
7.I love collecting smooth stones. I have quite a few.
8.I don’t talk much with people I meet for the first time. Usually remain silent. Making friends usually takes too much time for me. Trusting people, even more.
9.I don’t watch any Indian television serials. They are pointless and make me gag!
10.I learnt cycling at the age of 15. I once fell down from it when I was 6, was scared ever since. Finally my younger sister, moni taught me how to cycle.
11.I have huge ego problems and a real bad temper. I tend to piss off people with my anger issues but I am usually the one who says sorry whether or not I was wrong.
12.I hate my toenails.
13.I like wearing men’s watches and men’s non-musk perfumes as well.
14.Nothing can make me happier faster than an ice cream. NOTHING.
15.Somehow I like discussing sports more than discussing who is dating whom and related girl gossip.
16.Although blue is my favourite colour I own less than 5 blue outfits.
17.The thing I am most attached to, of all my possessions, is my blanket.
18.I own 12 Barbies. Still.
19.When I want to avoid talking something with person in front of me, I start flipping pages of whatever book/pamphlet I can lay my hands on.
20.When I am nervous, my hands actually shake like they are having some kind of seizure also I start stammering.
21.I can’t cook but I can wear a sari all by myself.
22.My favourite Gujarati word is “luchi”
23.My funniest recent memory with my parents is this one time when we had gone for dinner at New Yorkers, the south Mumbai one, moni kept asking for a balloon and mom told her to stop acting like a 5 year old. After about 10 minutes mom told dad to stop at chopati. Dad asked why. Mom said, “I want to have cotton candy.”
24.I have a blue outline right outside my iris.
25.I am allergic to cigarette smoke and eucalyptus (nilgiri)
