rambles.

I wish I could say I am an uncomplicated person - I obviously am not. You know what my problem is? I am very good at hiding them, so good amount of people end up thinking my life is all roses and rainbows. Sometimes I think more I ignore myself, more I'll remain at peace and sometimes I feel like a coward running away from my own thoughts. I've been told my laughter is irritatingly child-like but contagious - but it seems to me only others think it genuine, I myself always feel like I am faking it.

One of  my friend thinks that I overthink, about every little detail - even things that most people don't even pay attention to. Is it that or my head is just too impatient that it needs to obsess over every thing just to keep it occupied? I will never crib about the people I know (okay maybe about a few people I will) because I've been very fortunate with my friends and family, But always something is missing. (Mind you I really mean someTHING, not someONE). So many people I call and consider friends but I feel like a lonely soul on journey to different planet, where I don't belong.

Do I really feel like I belong anywhere? 

random poem from my head..

there she is, smiling and looking happy,

something is not quite right,

for I know its killing her inside.

little girl inside her wants you to find her,

she is scared and alone,

hiding her tears and fears..

there isn't much shes asking for,

all she wants is a little bit of care,

a hand to hold on to..

shes afraid of being happy,

will you change that?

will you be that hand or just a passing phase?

a grenade of thoughts is ticking within,

its only a matter of time,

it will tear her apart..

help her..she'll never open up by herself,

nows the chance before its too late,

don't let the child within her die,

thats the only thing keeping her alive.

My Nightmare

Fear is funny thing. Sometimes you don't really know what you are afraid of, sometimes its just the idea of "fear" that you are afraid of. Fear almost always relates to future events, such as worsening of a situation, or continuation of a situation that is unacceptable.At some point this fear reeks into your subconscious so deep that it becomes part of you, and it freaks you out because you don't know what its about nor you know why it all started.

I have one of these. Since probably over 8-9 years now. Its inside me, it don't know what triggers it or what causes it. I have nightmares, those recurring ones, which don't leave you alone. The kinds you think is gone but again makes a dramatic comeback. I have never been afraid of dark or heights but this "abstract" nightmare of mine combines both of them AND it freaks me out. There have been nights I've woken up so afraid that I am afraid to close my eyes again. 

Let me describe it. So it always starts with me looking over a deep well in a dark moonless-starless night. Then I fall. In a deep abyss which never seem to end. I can feel the walls with my hands on both sides of me but there seems to be no bottom to that dark well. I keep trying to clutch or reach for something to make it stop but I continue falling. In all these years, I don't recall ever seeing the end of this dream. Its always me falling to a bottomless end.

I have tried looking at many places trying to figure out what it stands for but I don't really relate to the answers that I get. Like one of them says something about how it means that 'you should be cautious or tense expected survival is possible or damage to your dignity.' That doesn't seem to make sense if you have same dream/nightmare for years together. 

Another one I got is - 'well symbolizes the cause or source. Since you don't hit bottom, look to see how you have been trying to figure out how something happened or how to cause something to take place but have not figured it out yet. You may not yet know that thought is cause and what happens in the physical existence is the manifestation of that thought.' This sounds promising but I don't know if I really do put so much thought behind anything, and then if this was the cause why would I be afraid of it?

This might need a group effort in order to figure it out. anyone any ideas? 

Reasons why I am still a kid

Another list..whooppiieee!

1.I love Disney! I really do. I still want to be a princess.

2.I prefer watching Nickelodeon and Disney channel over ABC and Fox.

3.I still need to be yelled upon so I maybe I'll study.

4.My weapon of choice to get my work done is puppy-dog face (surprisingly it works)

5.Giving me responsibilities is like giving monkey an Iphone, I have no idea wat to do with it.

6."Impulse Decisions"

7.I always have a current-I-can't-live-without obsession. Right now it is an Iphone game called Ijewels

8.I know more than 15 cartoon title tracks by heart.

9.My favorite movie of all times is Beauty and the Beast.

10.I sometimes shop tshirts from kid section. (They are just plain cute, don't judge me)

11.My way of countering any argument is the classic tongue-out or pinching spree.

12.I tuck myself into bed. Like a box.

13.I dont count calories. Ever.

14.I whine. A lot.

15.Sometimes I get such a sugar high, I wake up with a sugar hangover. Not kidding.

little things that make me happy

Yes I am writing this on a Saturday night instead of getting wasted like a normal 22 year old, that is not because I don't have a life but because I refuse to follow the society; Fridays are my Saturdays. Anyways, back to topic. I am not even going to deny when you say I am a-bit childish, okay very childish, but I consider that as a part of my charm. (I might be a tad bit delusional too). As its evident from quite a few of my posts, I love making lists - so for your entertainment here goes another one!

1. Two word things - Bubble Wrap - Ice Cream - Snow Fall - Teddy Bears - Frozen Yogurt - Free Food - Roller Costers - Mega Sale - Lame Jokes - yea you get the point.
2. When someone calls me for food (it means I don't have to cook!)
3. When Moni calls me to tell me, "you lucky B****, you went off and left me here, now patao parents for me"
4. When someone complements unexpectedly making me turn pink in the cheeks
5. Jokes that only I understand
6. Mom calling me Betu
7. Dad trying (hard) to crack a joke
8. Bitching about people I don't like
9. Waking at 2 in the afternoon and realizing I don't have classes so I can stop panicking.
10. Finding money you didn’t even know you lost
11. Eating cake first thing in the morning
12. Good hair day
13. Listening to romantic songs when it is raining
14. Finding marshmallows in random food item
15. Nutella on anything
16. When one of my niece calls me their favorite aunt
17. When someone defends me even when my argument is completely pointless and maybe even wrong.
18. Looking through old pictures and laughing uncontrollably
19. Taking one awesome picture after a series of crappy ones
20. Moments in life when it is acceptable to laugh like an evil villain
21. Radio playing the song that you were thinking of at exactly the same time
22. Hugs whether I need it or not.
23. Sense of accomplishment when I figure out something (I am usually painfully slow at figuring out)
24. Someone trying really hard to convince me
25. Singing on top of my lungs and dancing to it when no one is around (note: Nilay & Namita, I want to do wii dance it again, soon!)

I think I can write more, but I shall refrain from boring you guys! 

Valentines Day

There Nipa, I am making this public.. I think Valentine's day is the most pointless holiday ever! It is over hyped and overdone like a bad cliche, and everywhere you turn there are hearts and balloons (the pink hearts really make me cringe)

I won't even deny I am a hopeless romantic and maybe till I was 15-16 I really thought very highly of Valentines day. What was supposed to be - show your love to people you love, its now become a gift giving extravaganza! Its not like I am bitter, trust me I am not! (chocolates and pastries varieties suddenly increase so I am happy). I just happen to think there is no need for a special day to celebrate love, every day is valentines day. In fact if you need a day to "remind" people that you love them, then there is probably something wrong there.

For me, people who are special to me, know they are special (they like it or not). As per my ritual since years, I will still buy myself some chocolates, Although I really wouldn't mind a nice dinner (take a hint, you know I am talking to you) :P

the young and stupid

I am in my early twenties which is the perfect age to be young and stupid (not that i wasn't before, but apparently it is more justified when you are in your 20s). I already have quite a collection of stories to tell my grandkids proving that I was by no means a boring young girl and I intend to have a lot more. The point of this post is not really those stories, which I might not reveal to anyone till I have grandkids :P, the real point is, its okay to make stupid spontaneous decisions.

I have made decisions which were not exactly smart, most of them resulted in funny/weird stories, but they were MY decisions rational or not. yes there are instances where I should have taken the other way out but you learn to stand tall only when you fall down enough. If I were really all miss-goody-two-shoes, maybe by now I would have been frustrated being all nice and turned into a psychotic bitch.

In retrospect i don't really want to change any thing, maybe then I wouldn't have turned out the way I have. ( I have been told I am awesome, I shall assume that is true). I think I still have a good 5 years to be all young and stupid, as long as I don't murder someone or get involved in a bank robbery I think I am fine. Even with all my stupid and rash decisions I think I've turned out quite okay. Good job mom! :)

A Year That Was

What a roller coster ride this year was! started with a funny new year party at Krupa's house and ended with a financial discussion 8000 miles away.

First half was bitter sweet, although was really excited about starting a new journey, was really sad that i had to leave behind family, friends and all that was taken for granted (read domestic work and mummy-daddy protection plan). most of it was the Coorg trip then the 2 mini-Lonavala trips, the hugely expensive Hard Rock Cafe stints and Man-U cafe night. the college farewell, where i had tears in my eyes and Hersh trying to cheer me up because he didn't want to get beaten up :P , the black book(s) and my obsessive need to make sure the formatting was perfect, the project presentation where the results were rigged up, lord of the rings trilogy at kela's place, out of the blue's wrong cheese fondue and perfect mushrooms, overnights and mindikot tournaments, last few weeks of meeting everyone at any given chance, friendship day's night when people tried to kidnap me while i sneaked out of my house in pajamas! (and i had actually delayed getting my plane tickets for a birthday party)

saying goodbyes is never easy is it? then came the amreekan part! within a week most of us were leaving, probably not going see other for a long time, people we were habituated to see every day, some of them even during vacations. came here, first place i visit before even reaching my house? kohl's and bath and body shop :P . I actually traveled to 6 states in the first 3 days in USA, i had no apartments to look for no paperwork to be done, no real need for a job like most normal people do. made quite some new friends, house parties and overnights and yes trains! (i am telling you i have some deep connections with trains, even the apartment i live in has a train line next to it!)

new places, new people, new lifestyle. i went from being an absolute princess to doing some work around the house! made some decisions about my life and then went ahead and nullified them..you never know what life throws at you. went from living with family to living on my own. And no i still can't cook!

all in all not really a bad year, but wouldn't really rate it to be the best. the best is yet to come! lets hope 2011 brings more good times than bad, more laughter, more memories and less of life altering decisions (would really prefer it to be drama-less!)

so happy new year! be happy and smile! :)